may 14•my wEek

hi!..its been a while since i last shared here..

since may 9.. i really had no time to catch up things.. i had a crazy mind nowadays.. and I can't help rethink everything.. hays.. though i know what's right and wrong.. i've been really carried by the annoyance i felt inside..

well.. after quite sometime here i am again.. i think quite ready to continue what i've just started..

i had a great night during chelle's 18 birthday celebration.. i really felt very much nervous when i hand chelle's gift to her.. its like i don't want to give it to her anymore.. or kaya.. simply..i don't like her to open it in front of everybody..and i can just simply say that it's a book of life.. and that's it..
but.. there it was.. she opened.. and all she said was.. "wow..ngayon lang may nagregalo sakin ng bible".. then.. when i look back to the people.. the guests.. they began to keep quiet.. get serious.. really.. i can't keep an eye from any of those who can hear me explaining my gift..
inspite of the unusual silence.. i still felt the spirit of proudness.. that i gave that kind of gift to her.. of course it's for God's glory.. it's just that.. i felt that God really moved.. that time.. although i didn't say a lot of explanations.. and just say that "ayoko na balang araw sisihin mo ko na hindi ko shinare yan sayo.."-- that's all i remembered i say and i really can't help be shock by every face i see while i'm saying those words..-- i know that was worth it.. though i forgot something that is really included on my speech.. i hope she'll know it.. and i'm really glad she likes it..
i didn't explain the conviction i felt when i first thought of giving a bible to her because i don't want to be like i'm preaching or something.. but maybe i could tell her some other time..
whew! its a breakthrough for me.. that i made a thing that I know made God smile..
i really wanted that my friends may know God.. not just what they used to know about Him.. but eventually having a relationship with Him.. i know not everyone may understand the importance of being close with God.. but no matter what they say.. I know.. it's a must.. and it's a privilege.. to know God.. more than we usually do..

well.. i don't feel like to be a pastor or something someday.. because i don't really want big responsibilities.. maybe i'm just a coward just name it.. but now.. i'm not ready.. its just.. eventhough i'm still young.. i want to fulfill my Christian responsibilities.. kahit yun lang magawa ko now.. and then.. i'm looking forward for more breakthroughs in my life..

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i really have alot things in my mind.. i realize that i'm really so imperfect. really..

i'm so maldita.. suplada.. spoiled-brat?-kinda-

hays..
plus.. i'm so stubborn.. i'm so moody.. i get irrated easily. lalo na kay papa..ugh!

hays.. so i don't know now.. I felt like loser.. the reason why i don't end up good with any man is because i can't handle people... that's it! that's really it.. that's why i really feel i'm such a loser.. maybe if i'm not like this.. if i don't have those imperfections.. maybe i can a better person.. better at handling people.. better at handling a relationship.. ugh!.. it really makes me feel i'm a loser..

i don't know.. maybe because i know some who are very good at handling everything.. -people..things..studies..her own life..everything- hays!..

i don't know why i'm being like this now.. i some kind of envy that person.. but i know i shouldn't have.. because i'm a Christian.. and I should have known its a sin.. hays..

all i can say is.. at some point of our lives - we Christians.. also come to the point that's like this..

maybe not all Christian do.. but I know i'm still imperfect.. i mean.. I'm not even close to that truest Christians ever.. but i'm trying.. it's really a battle everyday.. it's tyring.. most of the times.. but I know God will sustain me.. sustain everybody who believes in Him..

hays..

well.. there it is.. those alarming things that keep buggling me.. almost a week.. huu!..

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well.. because i've been.. or my mind and my heart maybe are not in good terms.. this past few days.. i didn't had the time to continue reading John and Jeremiah.. and i'm planning to continue it.. maybe afer this.. or tomorrow.. whew!..
maybe its one of the reasons why i'm like this now.. actually i didn't attend our thanksgiving anniversary last Sunday.. hays.. its worse than ever.. just afternoon of that day i cried because of so much burden of my family's situation.. hays.. that's the time i begin to be like this.. like what i've written just above this.. well.. i'm becoming good.. but there's something that really confuses me..

chokz.. and i.. have been txting for 2 days now.. well.. it actually ended just 5 or 6 hours ago..
hays.. i have this feeling that i want him back.. but i can't.. so i just discussed him alot things.. that i don't like.. and those that i want.. i told him everything.. that i was planning to visit him which i started planning since the start of the second sem.. but didn't make it.. and i also told him that i made a house plan.. supposedly for us.. i told him it's a surprise suppossedly.. at siya naman..isend ko nalang daw sa email niya..ugh! idon't know what to think then.. because.. i don't know why am i doing those things.. saying those.. and i'm quite don't know what are we now.. night before i've said.. we've aggreed to be friends.. for the min time.. i don't want to discourage him from loving me.. now that i'm quite sure he's not been lying all along-ako lang 'tong paranoid-.. so i added.. 'for the min time'.. but he keeps on saying.. "..sinuko mo na ko.."
and everytime he says that.. i just say that not this time chokz.. maybe someday..
hays..
i got his address.. atlast.. at first i became so pessimistic about it because i searched it first in yahoo and didn't find the right address he told me.. then after sometime.. i realize i have to search it in google.ph. to double check.. then there it is!.. i found it..
nakipagtalo pa ko saknya.. that its not cabatian.. haha!.. whew! then altast.. mejo napa2nayan ko na he's really there.. ewan ko.. i really feel he's there.. suddenly i felt sad for him.. and bad for myself.. because if ever he's really there.. all this time i've been making his image-to my friends and his- not good.. really.. i realize that the annoyance that my friends and his has for him is majorly the cause of my paranoism.. ugh!.. ako ang nagre2port lage.. not even sure if it's true or not.. hays..
nalilito ako.. we also talked about his plans- bago ko siya napilit!whew!- and because of that.. ayun..nahati utak ko.. from the desire that wants him back eventually.. and the resistance of eventhough i knew everything, that won't change and erase the pain i've experienced because of him..
hays.. of course.. i still didn't forget the fact that he's maybe for a revenge.. that's why he's that sweet and almost convincing me to go back to him again.. whew!
but.. naawa ako saknya.. ayan.. i really mean it.. though i quite felt excited when i knew his plans.. hays..
and nga pala.. i also told him. my conditions.. if ever.. i decided to want him back..again..after zillions of times..haha!

and so.. that how my week goes..

whew!

i really miss him but i have to stick with the decision.. really have to.. otherwise.. i might end up crying again..hays..

but we can still friends.. friends until we both meet the right person for us..

♥